Refinement of my College Essay
Between my rough draft and my final draft, my college essay improved greatly, more clearly expressing my experience in Spain and my personal growth. My first attempt to do this was scattered. I started off with a story of a time I performed at a cafe in Spain, which was vivid and beautiful. Then I jumped around, with a wordy description of my personal growth, some background information, a long paragraph about the challenges of Spanish school and an out of the blue story about Omar, an interesting person I met in the street. It was confusing, and did not demonstrate my personal growth nor encapsulated well my experience. I got feedback from multiple people that the best part of my essay, the cafe performance, was disconnected from the rest and that I should try to incorporate it better. In my revision, I did not use that specific story, but I included a new story that was similar because of its use of vivid imagery, an example being “The sun steadily descended, its beams bending around the curves of the land and illuminating the hill I walked on in rosy, orange light.” This story was more relevant to the message of my essay because it showed “how being in that environment taught me how I can make the best of every situation and find meaning and beauty in seemingly insignificant discoveries.” In my search for a different story, I read through the journals that I kept that year. I had so many awe-inspiring experiences, but I needed to find one that showed my ability to appreciate beauty even in somewhat adverse circumstances. I chose that story because I remembered how frustrated I was in that moment and how I was able to change my attitude.
Writing Goals
Constructing Compelling Arguments:
I will make sure that arguments I make are well-supported by relevant information. In my honors application essay, I made the claims that “millennials...see cynicism as a strategy for protecting themselves,” and that “it is easy to be a cynic, especially when discussing the political environment.” I used these claims as transitions for two different paragraphs, but in each instance I took for granted that the reader would view these claims as obviously true and proceeded to move on with the essay without elaborating or providing evidence for either one. To avoid making the same mistake in the future, I can ask for multiple critiques of my work before turning anything in, because the fresh perspective of someone else will most likely be better at catching those assumptions than I am. Once I have identified assumptions or generalizations I made, I can either get rid of them or give relevant evidence to support them.
Context:
I will make sure to provide enough context in my writing before making any arguments, in order to create a logical flow that the reader can easily follow. In my honors application essay, I stated that “Cynics see ignorance as something fixable while selfishness is not.” In my introduction, this claim was out of place and for it to work I needed more context to help clarify what I meant by ignorance and selfishness, and in what circumstances I considered my statement to be true. To improve my writing, I will use an outline to help me organize and identify points I make that could use more context to back them up. It will be obvious that a sentence needs more context to support it if it seems out of place in the outline. In addition, by reading a paragraph I have already written before I start the next, I can more easily see which statements will need more background information and clarification.
Passive versus Active Voice:
I will make sure to reduce my use of passive voice. In my college essay writing, I said “I felt like life was passing by me while I stayed at home, cradled but stifled by my mountains and my comfort.” The phrase ‘life was passing by me’ uses the passive voice and is awkward. This sentence would become a lot smoother if I instead described how I felt like my purpose was somewhere out in the world, waiting for me. To avoid using passive voice in the future, I need to have a clear intention of writing only in the active voice while writing a rough draft. During the refinement process, I can search specifically for passive voice in my writing, circle places where I use it, and then brainstorm ways to communicate the same message with active voice.
I will make sure that arguments I make are well-supported by relevant information. In my honors application essay, I made the claims that “millennials...see cynicism as a strategy for protecting themselves,” and that “it is easy to be a cynic, especially when discussing the political environment.” I used these claims as transitions for two different paragraphs, but in each instance I took for granted that the reader would view these claims as obviously true and proceeded to move on with the essay without elaborating or providing evidence for either one. To avoid making the same mistake in the future, I can ask for multiple critiques of my work before turning anything in, because the fresh perspective of someone else will most likely be better at catching those assumptions than I am. Once I have identified assumptions or generalizations I made, I can either get rid of them or give relevant evidence to support them.
Context:
I will make sure to provide enough context in my writing before making any arguments, in order to create a logical flow that the reader can easily follow. In my honors application essay, I stated that “Cynics see ignorance as something fixable while selfishness is not.” In my introduction, this claim was out of place and for it to work I needed more context to help clarify what I meant by ignorance and selfishness, and in what circumstances I considered my statement to be true. To improve my writing, I will use an outline to help me organize and identify points I make that could use more context to back them up. It will be obvious that a sentence needs more context to support it if it seems out of place in the outline. In addition, by reading a paragraph I have already written before I start the next, I can more easily see which statements will need more background information and clarification.
Passive versus Active Voice:
I will make sure to reduce my use of passive voice. In my college essay writing, I said “I felt like life was passing by me while I stayed at home, cradled but stifled by my mountains and my comfort.” The phrase ‘life was passing by me’ uses the passive voice and is awkward. This sentence would become a lot smoother if I instead described how I felt like my purpose was somewhere out in the world, waiting for me. To avoid using passive voice in the future, I need to have a clear intention of writing only in the active voice while writing a rough draft. During the refinement process, I can search specifically for passive voice in my writing, circle places where I use it, and then brainstorm ways to communicate the same message with active voice.